Hidden Secret for 10 years..and counting

Hello!
Honestly, I have never once ever have talked about this in person.. or online.
I'm 22 years old. and I have been doing this since I was 12 years old.
I have no idea how it all started, or why.

It first started out with my eyelashes. I vaguely remembering pulling them out at that young of age.
I can't even remeber why or anything. i remember my mother saying stuff to me... and i was so embarssed and ashamed of it. I would never talk about it though.

over time.. i started with my eyebrows, along with my eyebrows. then to my scalp.

I can proudly say that 3 years ago.. for the first time since i was 12 years old.. I had all my eyelashes..and I felt beautiful.. because i could wear mascera. I dont know why all of a sudden i started pulling again. but i did. and its been the worse it has ever been throughout the years. i have 0 eyelashes and 0 eyebrows. and there is a tiny bald area on my scalp.

I have to make sure every morning i leave my room without forgetting to draw my eyebrows on.. so nobody sees. sleeping over at my friends or going in hotels with my friends.. is a nightmare. i keep a mirror and make right beside me.. and i barely sleep. because im terrfied for somebody to find out who i really am.

I think i have alot of pain from this. I look at myself in the wierd.. so frustrated with hatred of myself wondering what the hell am i doing. i am disguting.. why cant i stop!!!

i use to make goals.. small goals that i could acheieve.. but eventually they never went through.

its almost that i have given up hope.

i live in canada.. in a small city.. with no support/help around. i have done the research trust me. i really need to see somebody.. and i have known i had to for a long time. but i know in order to get the proper help im going to have to go somewhere that somebody is very well educated with this. and i know i wouldnt beable to afford it and what not.

so im left here wondering.. what am i going to do. will i ever be pretty? will i ever stop hating the way i look? well i ever get to stop drawing my eyebrows? and will i ever be able to swim again?