Update on bad pulling spell

Thank you to everyone who gave me encouragement when I was having my bad pulling spell. This disorder is one of isolation and I fight the battle daily to not retreat. I try to make sure that I reach out, even if I don't tell people I am pulling, I let others know when I am struggling or hurting and that helps alot. I have been on other chat sites for Trich and so far I feel safe in this one and I am thankful to know that I am not alone.

I am 40yrs old and have been pulling since I was 8. I hate saying that because it makes me feel like it will discourage others. I hope it doesn't because there really has been alot of good from this even though the beginning was rough.

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home. My dad drank and my mom was just not able to cope. About the only good thing was that my parents took us to church and that is where I felt loved and safe. There was just so little understanding at that time. Keep in mind my parents were raised in a generation where you just didn't talk about your feelings or what was going wrong. The first time I pulled was when my parents were having a huge fight. My sister was the only one who I felt I could really trust but even then she still had a hard time understanding. Like most everyone else, people want to know why can't we just quit. All through kindergarten to high school I was on again off again pulling. Even when I had hair, I still felt alone and ashamed. I managed to have some friends. Anyway, I survived.

I thought college would be better, but things got worse. I wasn't able to handle all my anxiety so I drank alot and was pretty premiscuous. I tried so hard to find one guy who would love me. It's like the old song "looking for love in all the wrong places". Just when I was finishing up college and ready to finally move on to a better place, my mom died. My sister tried to help me to move on and start my life but I felt more and more alone. I wrestled with my devotion to God, drinking and trying to find that one man to love me.

Looking back on all the years after that, I know now that I did slowly find my way. As much as I would like to, I can't change the past so I have learned to accept it. Today I struggle with anxiety. I pull mostly when I am obsessing over a thought or a feeling. I pull also when I am bored. What has changed for me is that I am no longer defined by my pulling. I try to give myself grace because after all, that's what God does for me. I know that my thoughts and perceptions can be distorted so I try to reach out to my husband, write in my journal or call a friend. I am married and have a wonderful son......I think God and my family deserves all of me, not just a shell of a human being.

As some of you may know I went through a bad pulling spell about a month ago. When I say a bad pulliing spell I mean every minute of the day I am pulling....just one hair at a time but after a while that all adds up. During those times I am prone to insomnia and as all of you I sure are aware, that just fuels the fire. What I was waiting for during that time was for some miracle or some thing to just make me stop. I just put my hands down and I stopped. I kept telling that to myself over and over again. I confronted the anxiety and emotions that were causing me to want to pull. The problem with me is that I want life to be carefree. I have never learned how to deal with stress and anxiety. I have also never come into acceptance that life will always be full of trials and tribulations. Thanks to a friend I got a book called "The Worry Cure" and so far it has helped me tremendously.

We as pullers have not given ourselves enough credit. We have not stepped back long enough to realize that we have survived. We have survived horrible childhoods. We have survived the self loathing that has filled our minds on a daily basis. We have survived living without hair. We are not perfect. Nobody is. Today is the day that I am going to give myself a break. Whether I pull or not, I will still be confident in the fact that I am a child of God, perfect in His eyes.

Thank you:)