can anybody help me?

Hi,

I'm new here. I know how you feel. I've been pulling my eyelashes since I was about 4...not sure exactly when it began. I've gone through jr. high and high school feeling ashamed and wishing I could stop. I began pulling my hair around 13. I've had my achievements and downfalls...at times, I was able to be pullfree of my hair for a long time...but then, I would relapse.

Until just recently, I had been pretty much pullfree of my eyelashes for the past 3 years. Maybe, I was more positive then. I'm wondering if having a positive mindset helps. I was soooooo happy and proud because I thought my eyelashes might not grow back; I was soo relieved that they did. The longer they grew, the more they itched. However, I recently just pulled almost all of them out...possibly due to stress and not always being happy at my new job. I've never been totally accepted into the "group", and they always talk about the person before me...so I feel like I'm worthless, doing a crappy job, and no one likes me. I was able to catch myself and stop...but now, I'm embarrassed to have someone look at me. I know people are always wondering.

As far as my hair goes, I haven't pulled in a particular spot for a long time *knock on wood* but I pull all over my head. So, my hair is thin. Most people just think I have thin hair, now.

I've tried things before. I've been to therapy, but my mom made me quit. (Long story. She's part of my stress.) I've gone to many sites and forums and discussed with people. Someone suggested to me to put vaseline on my eyes before bed; then, I can't pull my eyelashes out. Also, vaseline supposedly helps your eyelashes grow thicker and longer? I tried putting gloves on my hands, for my hair; however, I don't keep them on. I get too...I don't know....anxiousy?...that feeling where I can't stand it anymore and have to pull one hair...so I end up failing myself. Have you tried wearing a hat to bed? Somewhere else, I read to sleep on your stomache since it's more difficult to pull your hair that way. Keeping a note of where (places) you pull might help as well; I've become more aware that I have certain places, like in front of my computer, that I constantly pull my hair at....or a specific spot on the sofa. Also when I stress myself out, I begin to pull. For example, when I begin to think about what I need to do (even if it's not a super long list), I get anxious about what to start with, kind of zone out, and begin pulling my hair....which just wastes my time and I feel more stressed. I try to help myself stay positive, though; I tell myself, "Don't worry. You'll get everything done." Also, I try not to reprimand myself for pulling my hair. I say, "You're doing a good job. Keep trying and doing your best. You'll do better next time." If I start hating myself and telling myself I'm stupid for doing this, I feel worse and end up pulling more. Same with if I see my pile of hair on the floor, I try not to kick myself about it. Otherwise, I'll end up pulling for another half hour.

I really hate this...I don't know what you call it...disease? I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate feeling ashamed because it's not "normal", and I hate feeling like a freak. I think if people didn't care about looks and "normal" versus "not normal" it would be a lot easier to quit. The vicious cycle is what makes it difficult. Plus, it's an addiction...except our drug is around us 24/7...so it's not like we can avoid it.

I hope I can break this habit before I'm 30. Right now, I'm 25. I read about the people who have been pulling for 40 to 50 years; there is nothing wrong with them. They are all working hard to quit, and I am proud of them. I don't want to be like that, though. It's my biggest worry. My second biggest worry: if I get engaged, will I have enough courage to tell my fiancee? I don't like to keep secrets from friends, family, and loved ones. However, I dread sharing this secret.

My best moment was in the summer. My eyelashes had grown fairly long; to me, they still looked weird...but my sister said they looked normal again. Therefore, I decided to be brave. We were going out to dinner, so I decided to wear my contacts. I've worn glasses for a long time; I have contacts, but never wear them because I feel people can see my eyelashes more easily. So, I put in my contacts, wore eyeshadow, and put on some mascara. I felt great because people commented on my long lashes and nice eyes.

Now, I feel like crap. I'm back to hiding behind my glasses. I don't want to do this anymore. So, I'm trying again. As the saying goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again."

Sorry for the long novel. Good luck and keep trying your best! :) That's what counts!