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Hi there,
I'm a 26 year old woman. I've been pulling my hair since I think I was about 8 or 9. My first memory of hair pulling was out of curiosity. A friend showed me what a hair root looked like by pulling out one of her hairs an showed me. I then pulled a few of mine to look at them. I don't know if it really kicked in then because my next memory of hair pulling was not until a few years later. Again, it was out of curiosity, at first, but then progressed into a sort of trance like craze. My friend told me that she found one random curly or nappy hair that was thicker than the rest. She pulled it out. For some reason I decided to look for my own like this. I would run my fingers down a strand of hair until I found one that felt different in texture. I found one, pulled it out, ran my fingers down it to feel the stiffness and waviness of it and I was hooked. I would sit while watching TV, reading, anything where my hands were not occupied and look for these misfit hairs. My parents ridiculed me and scolded me. They were tired of the mess I was leaving around the house.
I have never been to a doctor or psychologist. I have kind of self diagnosed myself after doing some research. I have issues about hair on top of other personal issues from my past.
My mother lost most of her hair after having my brother, and I feared the same would happen to me. She also used to have a very desirable hair texture, but now her hair is 100% filled with these misfit hairs that I pull out of my own head, and I fear that my hair will turn like hers.
I also got lice from my sister when she got it from school and I now have a strong fear of getting it again as it was really hard to get rid of the first time. We kept having lice relapses in our house and instead of helping, my parents gave me the shampoo and I was responsible for getting rid of the lice myself AND getting rid of my sister's lice. I would sit until I was exhausted and she was crying for me to stop picking out her lice eggs and live lice. By the time I was done I had to do my own but I was so tired, and I couldn't see the back of my head and my fingers hurt so bad, that I never did a good job. Finally I moved out and I was able to get rid of mine but I suspected that without me there, that my sister still had hers so I never hugged her. Even when she came to visit last year I didn't feel comfortable hugging her as she still lives with my mom.
This is such a secret condition. My parents just punished me for bad behavior rather than trying to find out what I was doing and WHY! For that, I can never forgive them. People often comment on how much I play with my hair. I get so ashamed. Getting my hair cut is so scary because I am scared that they will know and I always wonder if I should just tell them and get it over with.
I didn't know that hair pulling had a name until I read an article in Seventeen magazine (I think that was the one). I read it and then I had a little celebration. I wasn't alone. Then panic set in because now I had a real psychological condition. I showed the article to my best friend at the time. After she read it she said something. I can't remember. I said "I have this!" And she looked at me funny. "You mean you EAT your HAIR??!!" At that time I didn't. But shortly after that I did start eating some of them. My teeth are now ground down in some spots from this because I chew them up really finely.
The worst thing that happened to me was when I wasn't thinking and I put my head down on my boyfriends lap. (I'm still with him by the way.) He was stroking my hair gently and he came to my favorite spot to pull from at the back left hand side of my head. I could feel him looking at it. Moving hair away but trying not to be obvious. I froze! I feel like crying typing this now. I didn't know what to do and I waited for what felt like an agonizingly long time for him to say something. He didn't. He just kept stroking my hair. I still fell so ashamed when I think of this. I still haven't confessed anything to him. I blame the hair all over the house on natural hair shedding and even though he WATCHES me pull out my hair, he says nothing and lets me live my little lie. I am so grateful for him and so ashamed by my behavior at the same time.
Ok this is getting WAY too long and I'm crying now so I can't see to type anymore. I have never opened up this much about my trich, ever. It hurts. But maybe this will help me to heal.
Thanks for reading
Sick Muse