My Personal Journey

I have been pulling my hair out since the summer before I entered the fifth grade. I am now 22 and still struggle. My target areas of pulling are my top eyelashes and the top of my head - - other places as well through out time but these two are my main focus. Looking back at that fateful summer I can now see the triggers that caused me to start pulling - - the deaths of my grandfather, great grandmother and a family pet, my sister's marriage (and divorce a year and half later), moving, new school and finally a teacher who could drive a Buddhist monk insane.

One day I had long thick eyelashes the next my eyes were swollen from having hair ripped out. My mother and father simply thought I was acting out so they punished me for what I did. I can not count how many times I was screamed at, spanked, grounded, mocked and publicly humiliated by my parents for pulling. Nobody in my family understood what I was going through. My grandmother called me insane and told me that if I did not stop I was going to be placed in an asylum. All the punishments and rude comments made me pull even more. The humiliation from not having eyelashes and bald spots made me pull as well. It was a vicious cycle.

Probably one of the worst things for me was going to a hairdresser. When I was younger hairdressers would try to cut my hair in way to hide the fact that I had sections of my hair that were growing back in odd ways. This led to some very bad hair cuts in middle school. Not only did the hair dresser give me bad haircuts but they would draw attention to my head by loudly talking about it and showing my head to other hairdressers. After a while I stopped going to hair stylists all together and cut my own hair for a period of time. After years of cutting my own hair (and even more bad hair cuts) I finally got up the nerve to try another hairstylist. Now, I wish I could say that the first place I went to was amazing but that would be a lie. It took me a couple of tries till I found a hairstylist who did not make a fuss about my hair. When I first sat down in her chair I told her what she was going to find. She automatically shushed me and told me that it was not going to be a problem for her. I have been going to her ever since. Now I can go to the hairstylist with out fear of humiliation.

Looking back I can see what triggered my harshest attacks. Whenever somebody mentioned my hair looking thin or that I had no eyelashes I would pull more. It would send me into a frenzy, I would go into the bathroom get my tweezers and pull my eyelashes. After all my eyelashes were gone I would pull my hair until my head was sore.

Hiding hair pulling was (and still is) very difficult. In the beginning I would wear lots of eyeliner. Whenever possible lots of mascara - - which actually drew attention to the fact that I had missing sections of eyelashes. Glasses were sometimes worn but they hurt my nose to much to be worn for very long. I started parting my hair on the side to hide my bald spot. I did not like to go swimming with my friends for the fear that they would see my missing hair.

The worst time for me was that summer before fifth grade through some time during the ninth grade. My parents thought I grew out of it and were very happy. However, skin picking had replaced the hair pulling. Thankfully, my skin picking was easier to hide and did not last very long. I do not think my parents knew about the skin picking. However there are still some times that I still struggle with skin picking. Even though my hair pulling has never been as bad as it was I still struggle with it.

I still pull my hair when I am really stressed or depressed. This of course leads to the vicious cycle mentioned earlier. My parents now understand that hair pulling is not a way of acting out, but a real problem that other people struggle with. However, they still try to 'fix' me. And while I know they are trying to help because they love me I do not want their help. I appreciate their effort, but truthfully I would rather seek out my own help. Besides, I feel like I can not talk to them about it because of what they did to me in the past.

Throughout the years I have learned somethings that have help me. Maybe these tips can help others who share my struggle.

1. Find a good hairstylist. This one is very difficult. I do not know how many hair stylists I have been to but I finally found one who is understanding of me and is very willing to work with me.

2. Get a short hair cut. I have found that when my hair is longer I tend to pull more. Also, when your hair is in that awkward growing back stage it is easier to hide.

3. Give your tweezers to a loved one. When you need your eyebrows tweezed then have somebody (who knows what they are doing) do it for you. I had my mother tweeze mine - free eyebrow job!!

4. Do not watch T.V. or talk on the phone when nobody else is in the room. I tend not to pull when there is somebody else around. If this is not possible for you then find something for your hands to do - like draw, knit, make bracelets or whatever keeps your hands busy.

5. Find somebody you can tell anything to. For me it is my fiance. Having somebody to talk to helps release all the emotions built up inside.

These are not for everybody but they have helped me in the past.